broken at mind and heart [Rhi]

[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She was numbed with the pain in the heart, an endless pain that she didn't know if she would ever recover from. She had gone through so much the last months. When she had realized that she was with foal after Dantes little hit-and-run, she had actually been happy, because even if he was a bastard, she would still have someone to love and care for. So she had thought. She had gone into labour just an hour ago, far too soon, the foal was several months from being ready. Since the foal was still small, it had been easy to give birth of it, and she had stayed by it's side as long as it tried to take a few shivering breaths, then she couldn't take it anymore. Her heart was ripped apart, first by Dante and then by this. It had been a girl, a little baby girl, carrying traits from both parents, from the looks of it. She couldn't take it anymore, it had stopped trying to take those weak breaths, it was dead. So she had walked away from it, walking down to the ocean to wash herself off, to drown her depression and tears in the sound of the waves. It had been so small, not much more than half the size of a full-gone foal, so small and delicate, with the will to live, but without the body to do it. Ilona wasn't aware of the black shape further away when she a little further away came out of the little gathering of rocks that she had been hiding behind, and walked down into the water to wash the blood off, her whole body seemed to weep from her loss, it wasn't full of energy and hapiness as it had been before.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] He had nearly left after the incident those torment of emotions only confusing his shocked mind. Something had stopped him from leaving completely and instead he had fled to the Island of Hihiri well out of the way from the herd lands. Sleep and eating had held no interest to his guilt stricken self. Guilt turned to self-loathing in time and it became common for him to call himself every name under the sun. Ilona was in his mind constantly even the smallest of tings reminding him of her. Today he had come back here to the one place where he could sometimes get a little peace of mind. Head lowered he picked his way carefully across the ground the movements slow and sluggish. Smell picked up on a scent but his mind did not respond. The sent finally registered after a while causing his heart to skip a beat at the familiar and very much missed scent. Nostrils flaring as he inhaled it carefully his head raised dark eyes eagerly scanning the area for her. His search was stopped at the sight of the tiny body. Unease stirred the feeling of dread forming. Legs shifted before his tired body shakily rose from the ground. Unsteady steps carried him forwards each one calling forth more unease. It was easy to see that this little premature filly looked like Ilona in some degree which only made him wonder if this was theirs. Yes his gut told him instinctively. There was no denying that the filly had some of his traits as well. The realisation that this was his daughter sent a fresh wave of guilt racking through him. He had truly been a bastard. Reaching the body his strides shortened till they were non-existent his neck lowering so he could brush his muzzle against the tiny neck. Guilt gave way to grief as the full implications hit him. He had lost a daughter. The alone thought broke his heart, despite the fact that he had never imagined himself being a father, but the awareness of the grief he had put Ilona through twice distressed him even more. He would never be able to make it up to her. Not now. If he hadn’t of been a coward then things might have turned out differently. In truth he didn’t feel like he deserved forgiveness anyway. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] As she stood in the cold sea she washed off the blood that covered her back legs, she felt her heart breaking into a thousand piecese at the very thought of the daughter she had lost, and the though of the bestard that had caused it. With a big sigh she turned and started to walk up to the forest again, she had to bury the little one, so that no predators or scavangers could defile the little one, so she could safely reach the heaven where all horses came when they died. Yes, she really did believe that her tiny daughter would reach that heaven, she had a soul, just not the body to be able to live. When she saw a dark shape where she had left the tiny filly, her heart darkened with hate and sadness. How dared he come here? How dared he even look on the girl? But alas, she felt too sad to burst out in anger or sadness, she just watched him from a distance, saw him nuzzle the little one, even though it was dead, still warm, but she tried to draw a few breaths, but failed, she wasn't supposed to live in this world, it was what the gods had decided, even though it broke her heart. She had thought that she could at least have had this foal to love and care for, but not even that.. The gods didn't even let her have that. She didn't say anything, just watched him, and she didn't wan to speak, she just wanted to bury her daughter, something.. Just so that they couldn't get to her.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] It was funny how even though the filly was dead he felt compelled to stay with her. To watch over the lifeless frail body so that predators would not damage it. For a moment he cursed whatever gods might exist. Although he deserved this neither Ilona or his now deceased daughter had. Sensing another presence he reluctantly broke contact ears instinctively flicking back as he shifted protectively moving in front of the body as his eyes sought whoever the hell it was. There was no way they were going to get near the body. Eyes latching onto the figure his breathing stopped. It was only logical that Ilona would still be around but he had not considered it. Crushing guilt washed trough him as he stared at her. She looked defeated something which pained him to see. She had been so full of life last time he had seen her. Bastard he internally snarled at himself. Of course she was going to be different after what he had put her though. Ears flicking forward he glanced down at the body torn between going to Ilona and staying with his deceased daughter. Hell he wanted to try and make things right with Ilona but he didn’t wish to leave the filly before she was buried. Maybe she would come to him? He doubted it but it was worth a try. Gaze shifting once more to Ilona he released a quiet call the sound lacking any positive emotion. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] As she watched him turn around, as he was going to growl at her or something, she watched the surprise in his face when he saw that it was her. Even when he called out to her, she had started to walk towards the body already. Not to him, but to the tiny body. She walked right past him, just glancing at him before nudging her daughters neck, and she felt the body growin cold and stiff. As she couldn't do much else, she started to paw with her front hoof in the ground beside the body, the loose earth giving away to her sharp hooves. She would be able to dig so deep, but she could always drag sticks and stones over her later, just to keep her safr from any nasty little creatures that wanted to hurt the fragile body. She didn't even ask Dante if he wanted to help, she wanted to ignore him, for the sake of her own heart, for the sake of the anger and broken heart she held inside. She could not blame him for this, not for the fact that the filly had been born premature, but she could blame him for everything else, for leaving her, for raping her, for leaving her to Risk's wrath. He had both been angry at her, and especially at Dante. It had been humiliating for Risk to have one of his mare raped and with foal from someone who had taken off without punishment. What would she do now? She had lost everything that she had, everything.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] He was relieved to see her move towards him since it meant he wouldn’t have to leave the unmoving filly. As expected she virtually ignored him moving to their daughter instead. Such behaviour towards him was justly deserved and in his books even that quick glance was not something he should have received. It gave his guilty heart hope however. By wordless acknowledgment he moved a little way off giving her the privacy she need in order to bury their daughter. Silently he watched the whole process ears flicking to and fro as he remained alert for any unwanted spectator….or most importantly the lead. He did not doubt that his arrival would lead to his blood being spilt maybe even death and in truth the idea did not bother him. He deserved punishment after all he had forced Ilona and then taken off. His only pitiful excuse was his turmoil of emotions and how he had seen love being devastating to someone close to his heart. Even he scorned such reasons. As long as he made peace with Ilona he would die content. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] It took some time, but soon she could gently nudge the now stiff little body into the hole. As she felt her heart weep, she took a last good bye of the little one, nuzzling her neck and forehead, feeling the small little ears and the tiny muzzle against her own. She had never been this sad, never. She stepped away a little, just so that he could also say good bye. She wasn't heartless or an icecold mare, she had somewhat understood that he was also grieving the loss of the filly, so she wasn't going to deny him this. In times of sorrow, everyone could understand eachothers feelings and everyone was equal. When he had made his good bye, she started to cover the filly with the earth she had pawed up, and then she started to nudge bigger stones that lay around in the forest, and let them sit on top of the eart layer, to make it hard for any scavanger to reach it. She never wanted to go through this again. Another herd mare had had the same fate with her foal months ago. It had been stillborn and she had cried out her sorrow to the gods. Honestly, Ilona felt like doing the same, but she wouldn't, because it wouldn't make anything easier, she just tried to accept that her daughter was gone, even though it was a hard thing to realize.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] He had never though he would feel any guiltier then he already did but the sight of Ilona saying farewell did just that. For a moment his vision blurred a lump forming in his throat. He was grateful to see her step away slightly in permission to move in and say his own goodbyes. Not wanting to waste the opportunity he moved in neck lowering so that he could brush his muzzle along the tiny neck before workings it way over the ears and then finally moving to press against the tiny muzzle briefly. For a moment he paused there tears forming before he moved off blinking them back quickly. No sooner had he moved away Ilona was covering the tiny body hiding it from view only to then move stones on top preventing scavengers from reaching it. He watched the process in awkward silence every passing second of it more unbearable then the last. “Ilona…I – I’m so – I’m sorry.” He managed to get the quiet words out eventually after some stuttering but they did not feel adequate. He did not even bother asking for forgiveness. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] As she finished her work, she was tired, tired from everything. She had been in labour, she had lost her daughter, she had met him, the bastard who had done this to her, and now she had gone through the process of burying her own daughter. She was really tired, so as he looked at her, apologizing or whatever, she met his glance. She didn't know what to feel anymore, but she knew that she couldn't stay at her daughters grave anymore, so she started to walk, aimlessly it seemed. She didn't know were to go or what to do, she just wnted the pain in her hear to ease up, because it felt like it was killing her slowly. She didn't havy any comfort left it seemed. Her whole world had been crashing down, piece by piece. Falling in love with him, being raped, carrying the foal and wanting to cherish it, losing it and now meeting him with his petty 'I'm sorry.' "Why did you even bother to come back? You clearly showed what you felt last time, and I had to pay the highest price possible for it." Her voice wasn't cold, but it was the lack of emotions that was worrying, and harsh. But for her, it was true. For her, that last meeting they had had, when he had forced himself on her, that had been his true feelings, because it was the last thing he had done before leaving, running away. Everything else that he had done or said didn't matter, because they couldn't be true, not after what he had done.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She moved off seeming to ignore his words which she had every right to do. With a final look at the grave he moved after her keeping a safe distance behind her. Her words caused him to flinch slightly. Did she really think he thought she was just some toy? The thought she might do caused him to snarl several nasty names at himself internally. “Ilona I…I don’t think that of you.” He words paused as he struggled to settle on the right words….to take responsibility and speak what his heart truly felt. “I came back because…because I love you and I was a bastard with how I acted. It was in excusable behaviour. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to lose control. I should have left but god you drew me in bringing out so many emotions that I didn’t understand or want to know. Fear made me run like a coward and prevented me from telling you how I felt. I don’t expect anything from you because you deserve better I just needed to try and apologize before I let myself be punished." The words became easier to speak the more he said till they flowed smoothly filled with the guilt that had been there ever since the dead. She was so pure and he had vandalised her only to vandalise another in an attempt to escape the guilt. He was a monster. “Im so sorry Ilona I didn’t want this to happen to you.” With the final words spoken he finally succumbed to his protesting muscles strides shortening to a standstill. It was up to her now to decide what happened from here. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She was listening, no doubt, but she had a hard time believing him at all, and that was to be expected, right? She had no reason to believe him so why should she? She had done so once and she had gotten a big punch in the face for, so to speak. As she heard his words stop, and that he stopped too, she also hindered her steps, letting her hooves stand still, digging into the sand while her whole body was tense and angry. She looked runned down, and she was too. Carrying a babe and then be put through so much sorrow.. It wasn't easy on anyone. Just this morning when she had woke up, she had been glowing almost, so happy one can be after being forced. But she had been happy for the pregnancy, then just hours later it was gone. The natures cruel whim. "You made me trust you, pulled me in and made me love you.. But how could it ever be anything but a lie? And now you have the guts to come back again to play with me again after I've lost my child." She was trembling with anger, sorrow, hurt feeling. The fact that she said 'my child' and not 'their child' was clear, she didn't see him as the father. He had forced her and then left her, left her to raise a foal on her own, to go through the labour alone. He had played a minor role in that foal, and she did not accept him as a proper father to it, he had not earned it.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She slowed down much to his surprise. He flinched at her words, even though his heart skipped a beat at her declaration of love, for a moment a memory of his own dam springing to mind. He had done exactly what his sire ad done. The thought added even more disgust to the mixture. If only he had been able to tell her then they would have been happy. It was a painful thought something which made guilt turn to anger mostly directed at himself. “I didn’t ask you to trust me or to love me Ilona. If you want to call everything a lie then fine go ahead twist the truth.” The frustration was there in the words and having to pause in the words he scolded himself for letting emotions get involved. “You were…are different Ilona. Nothing was ever a lie with you. You made me break the oath I made to myself and I panicked because I never wanted to have feelings for someone. I was afraid of the uncertainty…of the possibility of getting hurt or hurting someone like my sire before me.” A heavy sigh escaped him a frown forming slightly. Why did he have to be so bad when it came to opening up? "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She turned, angered by his words, because he was wrong. How could he ever say that is was his daughter when he haven't even knew she existed? He had never been there, never felt the little kick or watched her stomach grow as the foal had grown. He had never been there in any way. For her, the position as father had to be earned. "The position as a father have to be earned! You didn't know she existed until moments ago, you were never there when she kicked or made me smile bu the bare thought of her! You gave up any rights you had when you left this island, when you left me!" Every little hurt feeling she had was in those words, and you could hear it as clear as if she had shouted out how hurt she was, instead of these words. She was hurt and confused and didn't know what she would do. Every word was hurting, but she would defend her line of thought to the death as it was now. "I don't deserve anything.." She whispered, tears falling before she turned and started walking again. In her mind, she didn't deserve anything. Not to be loved, not to have a family, not to have this foal who the gods had just taken away from her. The gods were playing tricks on her, and laughing as they had made sure that she had met him the same day she had lost her daughter.

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[rhianna4554]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] Yes he hadn’t been there for all those things and he had given up his rights when he left. He was back now though. Back to do the honourable thing which meant he had reclaimed those rights. At least he had in his eyes. “I came back though…I reclaimed my rights by doing so.” He did not have the heart to scold her with how defeated she looked and so kept the words neutral. He almost missed her whispered words but hearing them caused him to stare at her his expression clearly appalled. She didn’t deserve anything? She deserved the very best he was the one that didn’t deserve anything. Before he could say anything differently she was moving off. Ignoring his protesting muscles he stumbled forwards on heavy legs breaking into a stiff legged trot in an attempt to catch up with her. Managing to do so he moved in front of her body coming to a stand till so she would be forced to stop. “I never want to hear you say that again Ilona. You deserve the very best especially with what I have put you through. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve anything.” There was concern in the words now besides the guilt and self-directed hate. He didn’t dare give in to the temptation to touch her. “Come stop your crying It will be alright Just take my hand Hold it tight” He had never imagined he would sing like so but in the moment it felt right. If he could not touch her then maybe she would get some comfort from the lyrics. "Dante speech"

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[Thoxic]

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 500px; height: 700px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 12px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 110%;] She hadn't been aware of him moving or saying anything until ge moved in front of her, causing her to stop, otherwise she would walk into him. His word, his son, it felt like it went through her like a knife and at the same time it was like honey for her torn soul. But she still didn't know what to do, with him, with everything. She didn't know if there were anything that he could say or sing that would make it feel better, because even if he claimed to love her, the fact still remained, he had still left her once, what kept him from doing it again, next time he was confused of his feelings? She had been confused too, but she hadn't ran away, and her childhood wasn't perfect either, it was her elder sister who had had good childhood, not her. She didn't know what to say to him, despite the beautful words of the song. He had a good voice, and she liked to listen to him, but she felt so empty, she just wanted to sink down somewhere and sleep until the ache of her heart stopped, if it ever would. She was also a bit dizzy, the blood that she had been washing off wasn't all just from the labour itself. The premature birth that had gone so quickly had partially hurt her, not bad, but enough that she had lost some blood. It had stopped long ago though, but she was still dizzy, that was probably also a part in why she felt so temperamental.

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